" really what I was screaming was is there someone safe here to love. "

Wow. That is something very powerful to think about - and very honest.
I am glad you were able to find comfort in thoughts about your T though.
I can empathise with looking for someone safe to love - to talk with - but being too afraid to open a conversation as I always knew it would end with more pain for me.

Somehow I started to just accept that most people were hurting as badly as I was on the inside, but they just put on a good act. For some reason, I thought that those who acted the happiest were hurting the most in secret. No idea where I came up with that idea, but that was what I came up with.