I went back to my email from last night, to see if I wanted to send it. I added more to it and I realized when I got to the end that I had written a goodbye letter to t. It made me cry and cry.
Why am I doing this to myself? I don't have to say goodbye to T, not right now, not today. Maybe it's the beginning of processing the emotions, maybe starting to face it now will make it less scary when the real thing is looking me in the eyes.

I don't know, but I need to stop torturing myself with this and just breathe.