I have a lot of the same feelings going on, rainbow. It is so hard, and so painful. I really feel like just quitting T because it's so huge, but in analyzing that urge in myself I think I see it's because every other close relationship I've had, every other time I've let myself trust someone, it has ended badly. I think I expect this to end badly, too, and so I want to just ruin it myself and get it over with.

Or maybe it's another kind of self-harm: depriving myself of the one unconditionally supportive person I have in my life, because deep down I don't believe I deserve it.

Anyway. This is weighting heavily on my mind this weekend too.