Right at this minute I am struggling to find any words. Basically I am terrified. I have an appointment with the Child and Adolescent Sexual Trauma Sevice on Friday and I'm really scared. I think it could help but it's the confidentiality that I am terrified of.

This plus the dream I had last night has set off heaps of flashbacks. I have tried blocking them out and Pete (my boyfriend) has helped but the flashbacks just keep coming. I'm fighting them again cause I don't want to see these images. I keep seeing Darren in my head, threatening me and his friends pushing me into walls and tripping me up. I keep having the image of Darren pushing me against the wall holding me there while doing the things he wanted to me.

Then there are the images of my ex. One second I see us smiling then the next he has me pinned down to the bed doing things I hated. Then the feeling of being choked. I am trying to move on and tell myself it's in the past but it's so hard.

My mum seems to not give a ****. How couldn't she have noticed her daughter going into self destruct mode? How could she not recognise all the abuse and bullying? Why does she act like her and my brother didn't make my life hell?

I want to go to this appointment but don't want to be hurt all over again. I don't want them to think I am in danger when I go back home with mum, my brother and Darren all on the same street. Not even to mention all the people who were evil to me at school.

I have been happy lately and now look. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like a complete failure and I'm sorry. I will be fine, I always am.

Just really scared. I want the one person who makes me feel safe but I can't get to him yet. My biggest fear is having to tell the police about everything then have to go to court in which case I'm pretty sure I will end up dead.

I couldn't go to court against Rash and certainly not against Darren. Darren still scares me and I'm too ashamed of things with Rash. Just brilliant. I need to pick myself up but I'm scared of falling back down again.