They forget me or hurt me or treat me badly. What hurts most is when I truly need a friend and they just ignore me.

I'm not a person who likes having a lot of people around me. I'm happy with just 1 or 2 close friends, and maybe a few acquaintances.

But those who build up a friendship with me over time and I come to trust them after a while with a lot of my inner most feelings and short-comings...those are the ones who end up hurting me most. They tell me "You can always share with me when you need someone to talk to whether you're angry, depressed, happy or whatever". And I slowly trust them. And I am the same with those who are closest to me. I'm a very good listener, and I listen with care and love and I try to always respond with compassion and do my utmost not to leave them without a response when I feel they need it most.

But those friends of mine, eventually they come to ignore me, no matter what state I'm in. And I try to understand that life can take our attention first, no matter what. So I forgive them and try again. But they do it to me again and again and again. Until I wonder why I go back. But I've decided I'm pathetic. I go back because if I walk away from them, then I'm totally alone. And that thought depresses me more.

And please don't think I'm not accustom to being alone. I'm a laid back only child who knows how to entertain myself and enjoy quality alone time. But when I want to talk with someone who cares, someone I trust, and there's no one...that tears at my soul.

I know I'm sounding confusing here. I know a lot of people will just tell me to walk away and forget my "friends" for good. I know a lot of people will tell me to stop focusing on others for feeling good. But, as I said, if I had to divide my life up, 80% of the time I'm just fine being alone. Truly ok alone. But that 20% when I want a friend who cares how I feel, why can't I have one? Am I just expecting more of people than anyone is capable of giving?