I feel stupid for doing it. but, as soon as I was done I did feel better...I haven't cut in 7 years and I did tonight because I'm just nervous because, ONE, I don't know if I will have therapy on tuesday,...there has been a cancellation of three appointments already...all for different reasons, beyond my control...which means I havent been to therapy in over a month...so i'm hoping that life isn't a ***** this week and screws me over so I can't get to therapy,... and TWO, I'm nervous because I think I might have to talk about something that happened...8 years ago when i get to therapy...cuz i sent my T an email about it... and told her that I couldn't sleep...because I kept connecting a current event to a situation in my past...we made a trauma egg in therapy and I wrote it on there but, we never discussed it because she recommended that I put it away because I couldn't handle it and I was sooo emotional...the past event feels sooo similar to what happened to mecurrently...and it triggered me to remember this event from my past, only because...i kinda sorta feel like the script was flipped and now what happened to one of my friends, somewhat happened to me but could have been worse...but, i also feel like its all my fault and that I'm making too much of a big deal out of the current event, the fact that my guy best friend made out with me...its not like i pushed him away but, its not like he asked me either or or I had a choice...i'm not as mad at that as I am about the fact that he mentioned that we should go drinking, so we could have sex in my car... i think thats disrespectful because hes degrading me down to some ***** or something... ok, my first time having sex is not going to be outside of a fast food place in my car! asshole. damn. thats what i am pissed about. i feel wrong for being pissed about it. i just broke tonight though, because I felt ignored, like no one cared about my pain...my therapist wont respond to my last email and two of my older lady friends wouldn't call me back...its like i had no one to turn too, except family and I honestly could...but, its harder for me...i like for my family to see my good qualities...not all this crap...really, i just felt like breaking something when i did it...punching something, like anger was overflowing inside of me and i had to find some place to take it out on..so i took it out on my body...there not deep at all... just bleeding, scratches.. i just liked feeling in control of my pain when I did it.
ahh vent over.