ok
SO Sunday I went to breakfast with a friend.
I say a friend.
She is my friend. But she is a very needy friend. She drinks a lot. Has a problem. She can be very heavy at time and she can stress me out. But she is someone who I know and who knows me.
I try not to do too much with her because it is hard for me not to get stressed from her. She is a good person but a little dictating and like i said heavy.
I care for her. But T says she is not the most healthy person for me. But I know she feels like I am her best friend and she tries to be a good friend. Just has a lot of krutches I guess.
Anyhow we went to breakfast. Other than her impatience with the place I chose taking a while to be seated ...grrr. It was good the food was yummy ...too me.
I hate when I go to eat with someone to enjoy some time out and then they are in a rush ... and then they complain about everything.
My mom does this also.
I think my friend stresses me out just like my mom. UGH! ..
Anyway
We went to eat and then we went to the halloween shop for her. She got nothing I got a nice pink cowgirl hat with pink feathers around the rim....and with pretty rinestone design on the front top.
After we left the store she needed to get a coffee and money at the atm .....I was full of anxiety.
She gives me anxiety cuz she rushes me and she is on crutches right now and needs help to bring stuff into the house. I dont mind .... but with me trying to be comfy in the restraunt which was very big and full to the hilt with people and me feeling self conscious when we stand up and walk to and from the table....and then again into the halloween store ....
UGH .... total breakdown.
I try talking to her about my anxiety and how I am working on this stuff and how I want to get out and meet people outside of people we work with and how hard it feels....
She always compares to herself and says she also wants to get out and we can do it together. Sometimes I feell like she dismisses me ... but this time even though she compares to herself and downplays my feeling .... she tried to acknowledge how I feel.
I started crying and told her how difficult it is for me and how terrible I feel from the fear.
I think she finally got it.
Problem is
She drinks alot ... and when we go out she is always trying to pick up guys ....
and although I am not looking to pick up a guy or something i feel a lot of pressure from her.
Even if I where ready for that ...I would not be able to cuz she is looking and doesnt leave room for that.
T says to try and go with other people like my brothers ....
but that is difficult because they are married with children and they have their own commintments and
they also have alot of drama .... and I cant handle that
And they are connected to my mom and dad and they are definite triggers for me.
like
Saturday ....
my monster mom calls to drop my brothers issues on my lap .... I ended call short and told her I could not handle and dont want to hear about it....
But
then I stop at his brothers place and try to counsel him and his very young wife on what they need to stop doing .... drinking alchohol.
I guess I need healthy friends
healthy people ....
church? yea I tried that ....
but I do not know how to relate to them.....
internet friends ... I have a few but they are far away in rl so ....that is hard to get close ...although I am close to a couple friends online... actully I think it is easier online to get close to someone ...sometimes....
then there is ....
My new tenant who lives downstairs from me.... he offered to share dinner for the kids n us .... so he
cooked downstairs on the grill and I cooked stuff upstairs and we shared dinner .... it was good ....
but once dinner was done I excused myself and sat on couch to relax I was exhausted .... he and the boys talked for a while at the table then they went downstairs....
I guess that was a step right ??
not too bad.
soo
thats all ....just wanted to let you know I am trying but it is small steps and slow and it is very difficult .... it is the hardest thing almost ever ...for me to do ....
Even to take steps to meet people or to ask people I already know to go OUT ...basically its like meeting them all over again .... at least that is how it feels....

well I am also gonna try some sort of meetup group....I have been trying to do this for a year and I get the notices in email .... but I never go .... this will be a start and my unhealthy friend says she will go with me.....
hmmmm .... part of me doesnt want to do it at all ....another part does but not with her ..... ugh!

seee? this is the battle inside....