Yuck, I understand SO completely this feeling. My therapy is a constant battle of me getting words out. Just a few months ago, I was on a vacation, then T was on a vacation for two weeks. When we came back the first session was good because I had lots to catch her up on about my vacation. Once that "chat" session was over, the next few were torturous. Ugh. I still hate thinking about it!

It was like I was back at the beginning of therapy. I could think of no viable topic to talk about, I sat there nervous and frustrated...I walked out convinced she was so annoyed at me.

The only thing I could talk about was how I didnt want to talk. So then I felt like I was wasting her and my time by repeating the obvious. Out of sheer frustration/desperation, I finally told her that I was so scared she was mad at me. She immediately responded "Why would I be mad at you? Because you find it difficult to talk?" I couldn't even look at her when I was saying this, I was so scared. I told her that I was convinced she hated me because I suck and can't talk. I said I thought I would feel better (and I did a little bit) if I would continue to see her and she didn't act mad. She didn't, but then I thought "Well she won't ACT it, but she could still BE mad."

Ugh. Round and round. She said she wasn't mad at all, but she did wonder why we were in that stuck place and that therapy shouldn't be THIS frustrating (*cue feeling like a failure*). Blerg. So, I felt worse...and THEN she said "I"ve been thinking of other approaches to help you."

She went on a spiel on how she had been thinking for awhile about trying EMDR with me (well, with an EMDR therapist), how she thinks it will help because its not focused on talking..etc. The entire time she was speaking all I was doing was freaking out. It was my worst nightmare coming true, she was F-I-N-A-L-L-Y sick of me.

Then, the saving grace. I went through all this turmoil...and she goes "I am not kicking you out. I don't want to stop working with you. I want you to feel better, and fast. I want you to try EMDR, but you will still come see me after. We are not done. If this doesn't work, we will try something else. I am not giving up."

I told her "Ok, I'll try to believe you." And she just looks at me and says "You HAVE to believe me," with such sincerity..like I should hold onto that, because its true.

The reason I just told that (extremely long) story was because I feel your pain. I have spent much of my therapy time not talking and being extremely frustrated and scared. There WERE other things discussed BECAUSE of me not talking...but it was just to help me. My T doesn't want me to stop seeing her, she just wants extra hands in there. You can see my "Non-Trauma and EMDR" thread if you are so inclined to find out more about it.

Something else I am learning? That if I can't say what I want to say in one session, or the next...or the next, there still is another. There is never a bad time in which to bring something up from previous sessions. My T always just jumps right in where I am.