It was so good to see T today and tell him about my hard day yesterday. He knows me so well, and I know he totally got it. And he said all of the right things to kind of soothe me and make me feel cared for.

He helped me realize that the amazing thing is that I FELT MY FEELINGS yesterday. It was a sad, overwhelming day, and I just let it be that, instead of pushing it away since it was "supposed" to be a really happy day. Something was said that really brought up my history and triggered me and I didn't "leave" or completely freak out or deny it. I just felt it, and tried to deal with it.

And *I* realized, driving home from therapy, that I think I was able to do that because we are finally, finally, finally, finally talking about October. I've felt some of the October feelings for the first time - the REAL feelings, not the ones that result from making myself crazy running away, or making myself physically sick with so much denial. I was so scared that if I ever talked, or felt those feelings, I would split into a million pieces, or end up in the hospital, or something. I thought it would be too much to bear.

And it has been HORRIBLE. Facing this stuff, talking about it, having T know, feeling all of it has been the hardest thing I've done in therapy in a lot of ways - I really don't think I *could*have done it before now. I had to have a lot of coping skills and history with T and experience processing other trauma and trust first.

But now, it's like...I let myself dip into feeling the worst feelings ever, and I survived. I SURVIVED. And life continued, and I went running, and played music, and went to the grocery store and the world didn't end. And because of that, I knew I could be present this weekend and just experience what was right there in front of me, instead of trying to turn it into something else. It was still hard, but I did it.

I told T in a phone message that I thought healing would look like...I don't know, happiness and sunshine and rainbows or something. I didn't know it would look like being sad when I'm sad, but it does. I guess, for me, it's just being able to be with what's happening, and feel what I'm feeling, and stay present, and cope, and reach out if I need to, and keep moving forward.

It's crazy how therapy works. Just when I think I'm going to be consumed by the darkness, I'm surprised by the sun.