He has asked me out 6 times since May. 100 times since 3rd grade. At one time he thought our "great chemistry" was because I liked him, but I had to explain that I didn't, on three separate occasions. He's carefully tricked me into saying we were more than friends, tonight being one of those times, and sometimes I find myself wondering if I even consider this a healthy friendship or some kind of person abuse.

I do resist the hugging, and I do resist the holding hands and just about 99% of all physical contact. I constantly remind him I like my bubble, and I dislike people in it. He doesn't get it. It could be as if I were speaking another language.. either that or he is just so completely oblivious that even, yes, direct speech (I have outright told him how I felt) does not get through.

But it all comes down to my tolerance. I can tolerate this because I like the laughing we do and the memories we share, and as far as casual conversation goes, we're alright.

Half of the reason, I've come to suspect is that, while online, while talking to adults in real life and teachers, I can calmly collect my thoughts and express myself which makes me seem mature, and intelligent. But around kids my own age, especially him, I'm not sure if it's the pressure, or anxiety or what, but my mind speeds up and I stutter, I'm hyper, I loose all my self-consciousness and I'll just do anything I feel like at the moment, regardless if people think I'm weird. To put it simply I become a drunken idiot without the alcohol.. or that annoying, bubbly, random-attack teenage girl..

When I try to talk normally, when I try to get calm, he'll usually tease me which works me up again.. so he cannot take me seriously and he thinks of me as the person I act like, and not the person who I really am..

It's a hard situation.. and I used to complain about it a lot yet I wouldn't stop hanging out with the guy and honestly, it's not like he's THAT bad in the moment.. but afterwards I always get this horrible feeling that this friend isn't really who he seems to be.. and because a no to a hug gets ignored as well as the request to stay out of a personal bubble.. plus the fact that he'll try to scare me by "abandoning" me in the middle of a park in the dark, or pull me and force me into the direction he wants to go.. well it scares me a little.

I want to say that well he's my friend and I've known him for a long time and my thoughts and fears are irrational, but it's usually still there.. There is one side to it where I laugh and it's fun and we share memories, and all that, but there's this other half to it where he's kind of.. suspicious.. not to mention he has the strength where if he wanted to he could, and he has, completely over powered me and either prevent me from going anywhere, or force me to follow him.

I don't want to be so critical, and I don't want to have such thoughts about someone I've known for 7 years, and I don't want to subject myself to another problem just as I was getting out of another... nor do I want to over react about something that might be nothing at all, and just a teenage boy's inability to listen.. but.. it's strange?