Glad to read my posts - reminds me i never did check up on the ins. Well, I spent all day in bed today.
Last I had posted that mom (surounded by abusers) and I were going to go see gran in the home. that was AWFUL and I am not sure I can go back again. Besides from just the home being ick, gran was like a zombie - didn't remember anything, couldn't understand, was mad, happy to see us, sad to see us. she started having a medical emergency and my mom started helping her. I started swapping and having panic even thru the xanax. Gran said she needed an item and where it would be - i jumped up to get it since mom was caring for her. Turns out the item was an abuse item from when we were 11. Same exact item. We blanched - then walled it all up. Had to handel said item, bring it to her - then she didn't want it, told me where to put it, what to do with it. I felt like i was carrying... i'm not even sure what a good analogy would be... the death stick of hitler? the key to my pain? wall wall wall. then mom tried to send me to the kitchens to get gran's dinner (who refused to eat) and I couldn't do it. Mom didn't understand why. Couldn't she see that I was losing years by the moment? from 33 to 15 to 11 to... 4? I went with her to the kitchen, hiding behind her; a 4 yr old hiding behind mommie's leg. She couldn't understand. But i made up the salad with all the things i know gran likes on it. even the right dressing. Another panic attack on top of all that. We HAD to leave. NOW. We did and i was shaking. Mom got us coffee (i was driving). They gave me a grande by mistake - yay! I needed every drop. I don't remember that night (sat). There may have been more injury. I can't remember anything. Sunday either. Sunday at midnight (last night) i had a terrible flashback concerning that abuse item. so many cans of worms it unleased. I was in trouble. I wrote online to a friend in chat who urged me to call the "emergency mental health line" for the clinic - i KNEW no one would answer. They didn't. My friend urged me to go to the ER - I didn't think i could drive. Then I remembered someone I could call in the middle of the night and she was able to talk me back down and thru the emergency. Which was good because i was thinking of all the things i "could" do in that moment, and none were healthy.
Thank you for providing space for me to talk/write through this. it is helpful.
kiya
(((((((sannah, googley))))))))