thanks everyone for your support and good suggestions. you don't know how much it helps to hear from you. it's validating me as a human being with feelings. it reminds me that some people-you all- do care.
i'm still in the slump of all slumps. i know that the major reason i can't shake this, other than the chemical imbalance, is the sad sad feelings of the realitiy of things with my son in particular. i woke up yesterday with such clarity of the many years of up and down with him. it is difficult to acknowledge some of his behaviors cause i never taught him to act this way. even when i had major differences with my mom and her infidelity when my dad lived, i always tried to show her love and caring. my daughter in law is part of all this too...very self centered. so add the 2 together and i am forgotten by them. i know i need to move on with my life, stop the old tapes of self loathing and feeling unloved, but having an impossible uphill climb of it. want to rewire my brain and know i am not at fault but the heaviness in my heart, the loneliness of feeling unloved is quite overwhelming.
i plan to call my T if i can't uplift myself by tomorrow. just don't know if i can profit from it cause it's internal and old reactions to my life rather than perhaps logic and truth. intellectually i know i'm worthy of love but the heart overrides that.
i plan to move in feb. and i can't even focus on where i want to move to knowing i carry myself with myself. i have no desire to live here but have no desire to move elsewhere cause my thoughts are so skewed. i just feel so tired and weary of life. i never thought i'd be back to this place. 20 years of therapy, meds, etc. i''m so very very sad.
please excuse my not acknowledging each of you in person. i just can't right now. i'm still outpouring my thoughts to you. i need to acknowledge the vulnerabilty i feel rather than pretending i'm ok with you all. makes me feel selfish that i can't even give back. sorry for the long post. thank you all for being here for me. you're the spark that keeps me hoping to have hope.