Ugh. I try hard to look the other way and not think about the other clients. Two weeks ago I couldn't avoid it anymore, when another client turned up at my appointment time. I just fled, as I felt convinced that my T would 'choose' the other girl. It took twenty minutes of texts to get me to come back. I've since christened the other client Mustard Girl as she's always wearing mustard tights. I've sent her a message through my T not to ever change her tights, or the whole system will break down, but I suspect that T won't pass it on!

I don't know whether this is better or worse, but I find I'm mainly fixated on her daughter and husband, and feel jealous of/compare myself to them more than to her other clients.

This may be because my T has told me that she doesn't (and couldn't because of her time and emotional limitations) have the same kind of close relationship that she has with me, with most of her clients. This makes me feel guilty (rather than special) because I worry I'm using her up when others need her too, but she says it's ok, because most clients need something different (or something less)- to sit and talk to her for an hour a week rather than daily contact and extensive reparenting.

I find it very difficult in general to understand where what T is giving me comes from. A silly example is that she gave me a glittery bouncy ball to hold when I'm not with her, and I refused to touch it or take it because I'd convinced myself that she had taken it from her 2 year old daughter to give it to me, and that felt horrible. It took me a long time to understand that she'd actually bought it specially for me, and to understand more generally that what she gives me isn't 'taken away from' someone else. T doesn't divide up her finite resources each day between her daughter and me, so that I get whatever is left over once her daughter has what she needs. In general, I get what I need, a great gift which comes straight from her, and neither of those relationships takes away from the other because each is complete in itself. She has enough. For the first time in my life, there is enough for me.