Wow.

So, T left me a message this morning saying how well I'm doing and kind of reiterating what we talked about in session yesterday...that I'm feeling my feelings, and that even though healing doesn't look how I expected it to I am ready to accept what's in front of me.

And I freaked out a little inside.

I feel like....I'm not sure if it's OKAY for me to feel OKAY about myself and where I am. It's so strange that I just told T my hardest thing, and he KNOWS, and I've let him see the real me...AND I'm in this place of "maybe things are okay".

When I used to have glimmers of "maybe I'm okay how I am", it scared the hell out of me, so T had me practice thinking/feeling it 1 time out of 10. So when I thought "I am a bad person, I suck, I hate me" 9 times, I would try to let myself think "maybe I'm okay" one time.

SO....in a way, the fact that I was able to be in the "I'm okay" place for a whole day seems like huge progress. And then I get scared because thinking "hey, that's progress" is more "I'm okay".

I've never ever ever ever felt okay. It's scary. I want to stay there but I don't know how long I can do it. I hope someday I can stay there forever.

I see T Thursday. I want him to help me with this. I want to believe I can be okay just how I am. I WANT to believe that all of the old messages are lies. There's just something really really scary about it. Like...what if I'm WRONG? What if I'm NOT okay? I don't know why that scares me so much, but it does.

New things are hard.