thanks for your thoughtful replies, lovelies . austin-t's comments through me right off last night, sorry i didn't come back to reply earlier. not sure i'm going to cover everyone's comments here, but i'll try my best.

i suspect that i may be more "argumentative" than his other clients and that this rubs him up the wrong way. i think he interprets my saying "yes, but..." or trying to question him further as me being resistant to his suggestions. hence, being wilful, stubborn, not wanting to let go of being a victim etc.

thing is, i'm pedantic. i see things in a lot more detail than most other people do, so i anticipate more objections, or need more clarification. my thinking style needs all the details filled in before i can see the big picture; i'm absolutely woeful at making general summaries (can't see the forest for the trees).

so my questioning austin-t, or raising objections, or whatever comes from a place of me needing details in order for his suggestions to work. but he interprets it as me just not being willing to do the work.

example from yesterday: we're talking about triggers, and how i can manage them and also graded exposure so i can overcome them. i study psychology, i've seen the evidence for how this works, i'm committed to actually seeing it through. so one of my big triggers is having my back facing an open door, and we were talking about maybe when i'm home i can leave the door open just an inch and learn to be calm with that, then open it a little bit more etc.

my problem is that i've done this, a million times, but the anxiety hasn't reduced at all. austin-t told me to talk to myself "i'm safe, no one's at home etc" and also do relaxation exercises. and i can do this, and i have done this, but it still doesn't work because - fundamentally - i don't believe i'm actually safe. repeating "i'm safe" to myself doesn't change my belief that i'm not. telling myself that no one else is at home doesn't mean anything to me until i've checked every room, every wardrobe, under the beds, and then started again because maybe someone has got in since i last checked (i dont do this, btw, but i would have to in order to convince myself no one else is at home).

so i tried telling this to austin-t and he got all stroppy with me and said what he did. and i'm only telling him this stuff because this is what i need help with - what do i do with this situation? i WANT to stop being anxious, but telling myself i'm safe isn't helping because i don't believe it.

now that i've had some time to reflect, i know what we needed to do (look closeley at my cognitions re: safety, prevent hypervigilance with is another safety behaviour which interferes with graded exposure) but this is all stuff i know because i've studied anxiety disorders myself. this is stuff austin-t should be doing with me, not attacking me because i'm not playing along.

edit: i really want to respond to everyone else, but i have to run off to uni (i'm meeting a potential supervisor for next year!!! fingers crossed we click). there are interesting points being brought up here which i'd like to explore more, so please keep posting even if we're going on tangents. this discussion is really valuable to me .