"I want to make life beautiful, but I don't know how.. "
u're part of what makes life beaufiful  even if you don't feel that way about yourself...and you are not a freak to me. i once felt about myself that way so i do understand what you are saying. i'm sorry you are feeling so alone and sad. u mentioned school..could u go speak with a guidance counselor? it helps to speak with someone irl if you feel that you can. sometimes it's hard to "think positive" especially when we feel so down isolated. or is their a trusted friend you can talk this over with?
can you tell us why you are so hard on yourself? idk, but maybe that would help us to help you. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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