I've always struggled with self injury and "depression"; that being said, I've never talked to a therapist in my life, so I don't really know that thats whats going on... but something is.

My boyfriend is gone, all the time, no matter how many promises he makes that he will be here and help me with the house and how sick I've been feeling now that the pregnancy is getting further along. I keep finding porn in our internet history of girls who look exactly like this girl he cheated on me with a few months ago.

I'm not a violent person. I've never hit anybody, or been a fly off the handle type. But lately it seems like all I can do is freak out and scream until my face is red and then cry and cry and cry when he leaves. I catch myself thinking about horrible things, like wanting to hurt him or my cat.

I feel lost and depressed every day for weeks now... I haven't left this bed in three days. I don't want to eat, or get up, or shower, or anything. I sleep 16+ hours a day, or no sleep at all for days at a time. When I'm alone I hear footsteps in our kitchen and people opening the cupboards even when nobody's home. If I'm really stressed out (this has only happened twice) I start thinking horrible things about myself, things I can't even repeat on here and no matter what I try to do to distract myself they just force their way back in.

There is nothing in this world I want more than to see a therapist. I've always been against the idea, but if there's the slightest chance it could make this.... helplessness go away, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I just dont have any money or any insurance or have any contacts to anybody who could help. I'm at a loss, and I'm scared I'm going to really hurt somebody.