Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
Do you know where this self-hatred and worthlessness comes from?
I don't think that you can just stop because if you could you would have by now. I think that you need to work on why you are doing it. You have identified why - the self hatred, so work on that?
Also, when you are doing the picking remind yourself in that moment why you are doing it (the self hatred). I have had success on stopping and/or changing things when I make myself aware of what is really going on.
Are you in therapy?
|
I am in therapy. The negative script was literally beaten into me when i was young. And i know its a generational thing w/my history of child abuse cuz the paternal grandparent B4 that was a TYRANT. The parent that did this is older and sicker now with hospital involvement and whatnot. I look at that parent now with rage & bitterness...and pity (which has the little girl inside crying "nofair!") Its just what i know and believe and feel/think i deserve = pain & punishment because i am a bad girl. Ive been told often to use what happened as insentive (sp?) to do/be better and "proove all the haters wrong!" But i cant. I feel like a foolish fraud thats just worthless. I look at me to reflect and consider... and just hate me. So i punish me. I tried hitting myself a few times and it felt awkward. Picking at blemishes on myself - with the pain, blood, tearing, scabs, scars - just makes sence... Others are too old to punish me (whose too big now too) with pain, so i'll do it myself cuz i am still a bad girl.
A lot of this ive talked about in therapy, except WHAT I DO which ive...only...just...been able...to say...here??
