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Doogie,
You are not a fake. We all put on “masks,” so to speak, depending upon the situation we are in. For example, the way a woman presents herself and behaves with her boss differs from how she interacts with her husband. How a parent talks to a child differs from how they talk to a coworker. Our interactions with strangers or acquaintances may be more superficial and brief, yet we may engage in deeper, more revealing conversations with family and friends. The parts of ourselves that we display and reveal to others differ, depending on the person, circumstance, and our level of comfort and trust. This is normal and is not dishonest. It’s a choice we make of what to share or not share. For example, I may feel comfortable revealing my deep personal struggles with my t, but not with my coworkers. I may feel sad and cry in my session, which is totally appropriate there, but hide my grief at work, where I’m expected to present myself in a composed, professional way. That’s not “fake,” it’s adjusting my outer self to the outer environment. Does that make sense?
Now the question. . .if people knew the real me inside, would they still like me? I’m assuming you mean if they knew about your weaknesses, fears, struggles, etc., right? Would they still like you if they knew these things? The answer is probably yes and no. Some would; some would not. People differ, and what attracts one person might turn somebody else away. So don’t twist yourself into knots trying to be somebody who everybody will accept and like. It’s not possible. Not for any of us. Just be true to who YOU are. Then find friends who love you for who YOU are. You don’t have to show all aspects of yourself right away, or tell them every flaw, every fear, every regret from your past, and then see if they like you or not. Start slowly. Reveal a little bit about yourself, and see how they react. Then show a little bit more as you feel comfortable doing so. As trust builds up in the relationship, the sharing can increase. If they like and accept who you are, then you’ve found a real friend.
I think it’s important also to realize that, in all honesty, no human will ever know “everything” about us. Not even family or friends. We’re complex creatures. Most likely, we don’t know everything there is to know even about ourselves. Throughout our lives, we keep learning about ourselves and about other people.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you have to reveal every single thing about yourself – and then be liked/accepted – before you like and accept yourself. Other people don’t have the gold standard to measure you against. They are just imperfect but well meaning people like you are. So rather than ask if other people will like you if they know the real you inside, ask yourself, “When I think about who I am – the real me inside -- do I accept/like myself?” You said, “I just feel like the bad on the inside is the real me.” Why should you discount the good you show externally, and only accept what you see as bad internally? Your t is right: both sides are you. None of us are either all “good” or all “bad.” We’re all a mix of good and bad – we do good things, and we also make mistakes, we have strengths and weaknesses, areas where we function well, and not so well. It’s part of being human.
I hope that you will continue to talk to your therapist about both your abandonment fears and your self-doubt, and that you’ll find a good source of support here on the PC board as well.
So glad you posted!
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