Screw it. I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain I have put you through, I'm sorry for not being strong enough to fight these feelings. The truth is, yeah I don't want to go home. The thought of it sickens me but I don't have the strength to say no to mum or to let the entire family down yet again.

They wanted me to go home this weekend but I said no, as if I'm not bad enough. For ages now I have been hiding the fact that I am scared of almost everything. The thoughts I have had so many times before are slowly creeping back in and it's getting harder to fight them. How can I fight when I feel I have let everyone down and that I have hurt them?

This is how I really feel. Scared, pathetic, weak and slightly isolated. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to go home and face being hurt and all the memories and struggles I am faced with up there. Is it wrong for me to hate my mum yet not hate her at the same time? I can't say no, that's for sure. Do I want to fight when all I see in my future is more pain, failure and let down? Pete was and still is my main focus and even though I am falling apart I'm still keeping myself that little bit together in the hope that I can get away and be with him and be worth something.

This Friday appointment scares me so much and tomorrow I have a meeting with the resident life co-ordinator cause she has been informed of my two hospital visits this week. This is the last thing I need but I have to face the consequences of my actions. I also need to eat something but I still feel sick and weak and food is the last thing I want. I want to be SAFE.