So. I met my new therapist.

And I really like her. It's weird and unexpected to like her already, but I do. She's very comprehensive, very to-the-point, but never made me feel rushed or silenced. She noticed every flicker of emotion, and often commented on it. She seems like she has a quiet strength about her. I liked her office. Very therapisty. I liked her style. She was careful.

At first I wasn't sure if she was "too professional" but actually now I like her professionalism, now that I've met her in person. It's not as cold as I thought it was going to be. It's actually very warm and soothing.

She asked for my history. I told her as much as I could but could not tell her at all even a little bit about any of the SA stuff. I told her about the bullying in middle school, the chaos at home, how mean my dad is and was, my relationship with my parents and siblings, my history in therapy, all of that. She wanted to know my whole life story, and basically that was most of today's session. It was.. pretty anxiety-provoking, but manageable. I got pretty tense and I had to stop to just breathe for a few moments at several different points in the session, especially when she kept using the word "abuse." I hate that word. She asked if there was any sexual trauma and I sort of nodded, but I couldn't talk about that at all. Just her asking the question made my vision blur and I just felt so weird and thought I was going to have a panic attack but then it subsided.. She said we could put it on the shelf. My heart is pounding just remembering it.

She says she wants me to at least give the DBT group a try. She understands my fear. It sounds like she's fine working with me whatever I decide, but she seems to think I'd get a lot out of DBT. So, I told her I'd talk to the person at the DBT group and see.

She told me if anything comes up, I should feel free to give her a call. I have a feeling things are going to come up but I don't really feel comfortable calling her. I feel really shifty and weird inside right now.. and keep having.. thoughts.. ughhhh.

I see her again on November 4. I wish I didn't have to do every other week but it's all I can afford for now. In any case, I like her. I think things are going to be fine.