Byz.....

There's a lot going on here. It's never simple is it.

Dear Belle just asked me if I'm OK. I've gotten so good at covering things up over the years sometimes I don't even know myself. I know something is going on but I'm hoping it's just a mood. I know at times I feel "left out". It's complicated. Like I'm two left shoes. Odd man (woman) out.

I enjoy watching the sunrise or set....always have my head in the clouds.....I love the view. Today is the first time in a long time I felt no joy in the sunrise. It's been festering. It is a feeling of sadness. That I don't belong. Even when I was married....before the divorce I knew where I belonged. I was in a bad marriage but I was attached. (I don't mean in the married sort of way I mean in the grounded sort)

I'll be OK. I know that...but as a friend can make me laugh and I can feel the tears wheal up at the same time. My mom died when I was 35 and that is the last time I remember anyone looking at me with unconditional love (except my dog) I think even my poor old pup's passing in February has reminded me I don't fit. She was the last bit of my former life. This life I have now is good but at times ...like now.. I don't feel like it's mine.

You wrote: Being together with other people, even people we intensely love, does not overcome this deep incompleteness of being. This is it....where I am today.

Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our beings, a deep longing to love and be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person.

The notion that I now live in a house that is not my own, with a man I know cares for me but....and there lies the hitch. Why does my life now feel less real than the life I had before? Or did it only start to slip away....that other life....when the depression first started?

My sense of self worth is practically nonexistent...thus: yearning for love or companionship, which is unfulfilled, but cannot seemingly be achieved, or may stem from the lack of love in one's life, and hence may lead to emotions such as rejection, despair and low self-esteem. Feelings of loneliness may be similar to feelings of the death or loss of a loved one. Strangely....I am seldom actually physically alone. I am almost always with someone. I just "feel" disconnected.

I've gotten a few good "kicks in the pants" this year....all part of what life throws at us. The challenge is to "want" to dust our self off again and continue in the pursuit of happiness.

One thing I know....the sun will rise again tomorrow and I pray I feel that joy in seeing it.

To be continued....