This may take a bit, so if its long, please forgive me. Where to begin... Well, for time, things were going, I would say were going decent. I was getting out once in a while, I had a girlfriend, who I met on an online MMORPG. And she was and is, who she says she is, lol. We were together for 3 and a bit months I think it was. And then she decided to break up with me. As far as I can tell because, shes not had much love and attention growing up, and she reached a point she didn't really know how to keep handling me emotionally. At least thats what shes roughly explained to me over our a couple of our last conversations.

For the past month and a half, I've been feeling terrible. Which sort of makes sense. I'm over being cross about it I think. I'm just deeply depressed. I was a good boyfriend to her I feel. Gave her my time, money, effort, love, attention, compassion, ect.

Since the break up, I've felt like, it doesn't matter how good I am, in the end, I'm just not good enough for any woman out there to want me for long enough I suppose. I REALLY REALLY, want not to be alone. I know its a bad thing, but I have to be honest if I'm to be helped, I'm desperate to feel loved again. Being in love, is the only thing in my life, I've found that makes me enjoy life. I find alone, I have no reason to want to exist. I find I don't really desire too much to live for myself. With someone else around to bounce off of, to make me smile, and make me feel loved, yes, I can wake up, and feel ok, or at least okayish.

Like this, I.. and I'm embarassed to say this, but I don't take very good physical care of myself. As in I choose not to bathe. I will occassionally shave, just because its a nauisence if I don't past a certain point. And I rarely brush my teeth. I feel very ashemed having to admit this. I can't say fully understand it. Its not like I lack the time to do it, but I just... can't be bothered..

When I was in my last relationship, I did make an effort to brush my teeth, shower at least sometimes, and shave. I think having someone I really wanted to try for, prehaps helped me achieve this. I even went to see an optiction on her advice, and got myself some glasses. Since things ended, everything has sort of stopped.

Its not just that. I find myself eating more than I want to. Out of boredom and loneliness. I would say my figure is about average, but still, I've probably put back on the stone I lost while I was with her, and bothered to get regular exercise. I feel like I have only a couple of friends, I can really turn to, and talk about any problems.(my lack of taking care of myself, I've only ever told one person about before this... A now ex-girlfriend of mine, who said it was an issue for her sometimes too.)

I feel, like I'm just passing down the days till I take the flight to go on a trip I'd planned, to visit my ex when I was still with her. I still intend to go, because the past two times, I've booked something like this, I had to cancel, and frankly, I want to do it anyways, and go out to the states, and see if I can't at least enjoy the time at an anime convention I'll be going to, and the dressing up. It feels so surreal though, like, my life is about to end. I don't think it nesserilly is.(besides I'm a bit too cowardly to try and end my life I think)

I've tried to be social on the computer, make some new friends, but I'm struggling a bit. I think its because I'm just so tired of trying with things, only for them to go puff in my face.. It seems it reaches a point, where its just like... why bother.. I mean I know why I'd want to keep bothering, but.. still, I think you can get what I mean. I've also gone a number of times to a couple of social groups for people with issues such as myself, but this doesn't seem to work either. If I'm being honest because, I think its because theres no people in a hurry that are my age, who go to them.

And then theres how lonely I feel.. Well, I'm going to use a term thats making me chuckle just thinking about it, but lets say my chicken is choked often. I think thats kinda normal though if your very lonely. Erm, besides this, off the top of my head. Other facts to know I suppose, are, I've never done anything with a lady physically. Also I've never been kissed on the lips romantically. Over the computer is different. I've done texterual intercourse I suppose you could call it.(as in typing what you'd wanna do and vice versa) Also, I'm not a, camera virgin.(Only once did I ever do that for someone who wasn't my girlfriend.)

Wow... thats a lot of personal, and humilating stuff I just wrote... Well.. be kind please.. I feel disgusting.. .-.

I'll try to take help and advice on board.