yeah so ive been trying to look at t for like ages now and get nowhere with it and was gonna ditch him but that was like doing a runner. so its been kinda hard to go see him and talk to him and stuff. but i guess im doing that. and anyway he like said this stuff last time and it was like absolutely exactly 100% right and i kinda wanted to put it here but not really sure why. dont know what anyone could say about it. he says like im spose to email him more and stuff but i dont know. i dont really like talking to people. this is the stuff he said. he wrote it down so id remember it.

the problem you have is that you believe if "you" have any real relationship with another person you will "die". the reason you say/believe you can't get better is because you believe if you get better ie have a real relationship with people, you will "die". you avoid "death" by not engaging with people. you "get by" out in the world by only interacting with people through an outer shell and not letting them experience the real you. the reason we have been doing the looking exercise is because one of the ways you keep you "away" here is by not looking at me. its not important in the grand scheme of life that you look at ME its a vehicle for getting you to allow the real you in the room.

and i know hes right and stuff and i know the dying stuff is like cause its all like my identity so if i had a relationship then itd be like id ceased to exist and someone else was there. and if you cease to exist thats kinda like dying i guess. so i know everything he said is right but its like its just so huge and so much a part of me. i cant imagine it not being like that. i dont know what i feel. like some kind of awful and its like even thinking about this stuff will lead to "death" i just dont know how to be sit with that. sometimes i dream about just walking in there and being able to look at him and i get all determined to do that cause its just dumb to not look really. but it like never happens.