Hello and welcome to PsychCentral. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend to cancer about 14 years ago and I stuffed it for 8 years and the pain that came out then was just as bad as if I hadn't waited to feel it. Probably worse because I also felt guilty for not being fully "there" at her end of life. I went to therapy and worked with meds and talked and talked about it. James Van Praagh even gave me a message from her. It has taken a very long time to get over not only her loss but the lack of grieving in a timely manner. I felt really guilty like I had abandoned HER by not grieving when, in fact, it was ME who I abandoned.

Don't abandon yourself. It was her choice and she made it. If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would grieve and honor her life as best I could. It hurts badly, I know, but it's gonna hurt worse later. Trust me on this one. The voice of experience.

Oh, and in a way, my friend's death was a sort of suicide. She refused to get ckecked when she knew she had a breast lump. She waited until it was too late. Suicide by denial. I stuffed her death and my grief because I was so angry at her I couldn't grieve for eight years.