It's a very long post so please bear with me.
I am not sure what to start with. Maybe a little background....I've been married for the past 11+ years. For the past 5 or so years I've been dealing with the relationship problems and recently I dont know how to deal with the issues anymore. I am also finding it hard to deal with my feelings of betrayal. Those 5 years ago my husband started lying to me about his daily activities like job, what he's doing etc. he started some business, nothing illegal of course, but it didnt work well, eventually leading to major financial difficulties and bunkrupcy in the end. I felt extremely betrayed as he never brought to my attention exactly what he was up to and how he' s managing the financial side of life. At this time we took some marriage councelling that was actually my idea. I think I just needed some stranger to tell him that I'm right with how I feel, that he should have been communicating to me. After all we've been married for quite some time. It seemed like everything was going ok, still having some small issues, but nothing major. ...or maybe I am wrong...during this time my sister pased away of cancer. She's been in another country, I visited her before she passed away, but wasn't able to attend a funeral. I think at this time I felt a little emotionally abandoned by my husband not offering me much support dealing with the grief....I think that feeling still lingers there... fast forward to this year ....While I was 9 months preggo I started having a feeling that there is something going on with him, like he was completely unattached to family. Before he was happy that I am pregnant, but then it seemed like suddenly he stopped caring .... After all I was right, he got into a relationship with his female coworker. They spent long hours on facebook. When I complained that he talks to her on facebook all the time instead of me it seemed like he eventually stopped. Silly me.... They started doing this on the phone. I found out about the phone conversations long after our child was born, HIs bills got in my hands. It was heartbreaking..... A few hours aften the baby was born he told me because he's tired he will go home leaving me in the hospital. He could stay there with me overnight as the hospital allows the spouses to stay in the private room. Instead he got home and spend over 3 hours with that girl on the phone....he was telling me he has to stay at school until 10pm but instead he was finishing classes at 9 and them spending this time with her on the phone... every time I wasn't around he was with her on the phone, plus of course the work... I feel so betrayed....so betrayed...
If now I bring this topic back he apologizes but deep inside I feel he was in love with her. Although he says it was just talking not a romance it still hurts.
I feel so depressed. The man that I loved so much, betrayed me. I was trying to fight for this marriage, this relationship but I think I am running out of resources. I cant cope with the feelings of betrayal. I have noone to talk to...I am comming from a home where the parents never talked about feelings, where it was wrong to show any weakness, where there was no emotionall involvement of parents. I ve never heard from my parents that they love me. I was always scolded by whatever I did wrong as a teenager. I know I could never count on my family support, as very early in life I learned that I must count on myslef and never ever ask them for any help...
I felt so unloved and abandoned as a child and then teenager. I married early just i guess to get out of that situation...but we were in love, we have built everything together. I really thought we've been a good family, I thought he will love me and cherrish and respect. I know that there are ups and downs in every relationship but right now I dont know what to think and do anymore.
I have tried to look for some outside support but I am not sure if I have enough strength. I took a great deal of courage for me to tell my OB at that six week postpartum visit that I feel depressed, but to his advice it was better for me to speak with the family doctor. But since the fam.doc retired this year I am finding it hard to look for someone new. The old doctor knew the family, I had no problem bringing up stuff to her, but now I dont know what to do. I think I need some help, someone to help me cope with my feelings. Sometimes I am so down that I am thinking about the worst. I have been suicidal as a teenager but then again nobody cared.... somehow I got on with my life and got better. But now everything is coming back....I cry and cry.... I feel guilty that I should be happy for my children but I feel like I have been robbed of that great time of enjoying my maternity and motherhood. I just dont know what to do....