I hated session today.

When I went running this morning, I was OVERCOME by anxiety. I almost couldn't finish my run, but I pushed through. I couldn't shake the feeling and was still feeling it when I saw T.

I know we were talking and I was trying to tell him how I was feeling and I'm pretty sure that we were having conversation about stuff, but the voices from outside the room were UNBELIEVABLY triggering to me and I'm not sure I was present at all. At one point I realized how much my head hurt, which happens when I dissociate, and I asked him "do you think I'm all the way here?". He said that I seemed to be in my head a bit. I know I told him how triggering the voices were. I remember saying that I thought my memory of the session was going to be from the outside - from up in the corner of the room, looking down. And, actually, that's pretty much how it is. There are me and T, and I can't quite hear what we're saying.

I think I needed T to push me a little. I think T wants to make sure I'm safe. SO, looking back, I think we had different agendas. That's what it feels like.

It just all felt yucky and distant and hard.

Towards the end, I realized I couldn't stand it anymore, so I sat up and said "we need to do something different". He asked if I wanted to draw, and I said "no". He asked if I wanted to sit on the floor, and I did. We moved to the floor and leaned against the couch next to each other and I felt a MILLION times safer. All of that big furniture -the couch, the chairs, the desk -just made me feel SO much more contained and safe.

So we finished the session on the floor, kind of half-laying with our heads against the couch and our feet on the furniture in front of us. We told each other some stories.

As soon as I left the safety of that spot, ALL of my anxiety came rushing back in.

I left T a message and told him that I hate how it feels to need to GET SOMETHING OUT but to not be able to it. Instead of feeling free, I feel caged, trapped, scared, on guard.

I wish T would have pushed just a little harder. He pushes when he senses that I really need to get something out to feel some relief. Maybe we just weren't tuned in to each other. Or maybe T decided that this anxiety was better than whatever I'd feel if I talked. I don't know.

It does feel yucky though And I only see him once next week and that feels scary. ACK.