Depression hole has opened up and is calling my name. I don't knoww hat to do. I'm a CSA, physical, emotionly, verbal abused survivor. A few night ago, I was with my husband sexually. Let me just say this doesn't happen very often since I usually freak out. Well with everything going on, being out of it, I guess I thought being with my husband would solve everything. WRONG It only made me feel worse, 10 times worse.

Basically everything hurt physically. That morning and since then I have had this sense of great shame, regret, guilty, feelings of being dirty, being a wh... , wanting to get rid of certain body parts or cut them so bad that no one would ever want to see any part of me again. That sounds like such a wonderful idea right now. It has for a few days and today it's more front and centre and I want to do it.

I'm not sure what I am to be feeling, what I am supposed to do with all these feelings or who to turn to since I don't have a T right now. I'm not blaming my husband, well maybe a little, I feel pressure to be a good wife and give him what he needs, and shouldn't he be able to say hey your not in the right state of mind to know what you want.

Everything seems so dark and unclear. I'm very lost with these feelings and don't feel I have anyone to go to. I'm really feeling the need to run to my mom and dad but they are the ones that did a lot of the abuse when I was younger. They would only say I have to do my job as a wife I guess.

I'm confused, what more can I say......put me in my grave for good is the best thing for me right now.