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lynn09 · Oct 21, 2010, 01:34 PM

Hi, tryingtobeme. I'm sorry you're struggling with so much emotional pain and confusion right now. It makes it especially difficult to deal with such feelings when the people you should be able to seek comfort from are the ones who inflicted pain and damage on you in the first place.

You said, regarding your parents, "They would only say I have to do my job as a wife I guess." This is a very telling remark and possibly the crux of the matter. In order to facilitate easier access to the victim, an abuser violates the victim's boundaries by convincing the victim that they have no right to establish, maintain, or defend personal boundaries, and that the victim has an "obligation" to allow the abuser to abuse them. So, it would make sense that being with your husband out of a sense of "obligation" would trigger the same negative emotions you experienced as a child when you were forced to fulfill your "obligation" to your abusers.

The guilt and shame you feel are not your own, but belongs to your abusers alone. They imposed that guilt and shame on you to make you believe that you deserved to be abused so they wouldn't have to be responsible for their misbehavior; please do not punish yourself for their crimes. It seems to me that your wanting to get rid of and/or damage certain parts of your body connected to your childhood abuse is actually representative of your desire to get rid of the emotional damage inflicted on you by your abusers.

Please make a concerted effort to find a new T to help you deal with all of the pain and confusion you are experiencing. In the meantime, if you feel that you might do something to physically injure yourself, please go to the ER and let them help keep you safe, and refer you to appropriate mental health professionals for consistent longer-term care and support. You do NOT deserve to suffer this way; your FIRST "obligation" is to yourself, and your physical and mental well-being. lynn09