I am sorry for your loss. Ending your life is not the answer. I have been in that deep dark hole though, and know what she was feeling because I have been there. I am so sorry she left you to feel this way. You do need to grieve about it though. Don't hold it in any longer, it will only fester and come to a head in some way. There are survivor grief groups out there. Call your hospitals or ask your therapist if there are any where you live. Meet with other people that our going through the same thing. You need to come to grips with it and then let it go. Hugs to you.