((((((((((PC)))))))))))

Tonight at my meditation, part of the discussion reminded me of two of the things in life that I find the greatest joy in...two things that I do that make me completely present, and usually, happy. And something quieted down inside.

On Wednesday of this week, I decided to "take the day off" and put all of my walls up. By the end of the day, I was SO dissociated, and was having such a hard time hanging on to "ME".

This morning, I *needed* to talk about what I needed to talk about. I am learning that the more I let myself be with what is REAL - whether it's trauma or joy or something in between - and the less I have to push push push everything away, the more I can finally let myself be in the moment and be okay. Pushing everything away makes me push MYSELF away. If I can stop the pushing away, then I can stay present and not split into a bunch of "treehouses" to get through the day.

By this afternoon, I was SO lost. Apparently I left him a message in the middle of the day at some point, but I don't remember doing it. T left me a message responding to that one, which is what clued me in. I'm still not sure what I said. In his message, T said he is going to call me tomorrow at 12:30 and we are going to do a 90 minute session on Tuesday instead of 50 minute, since I can only see him once next week.

Now that I've had a taste of feeling whole, and of just being able to BE, I want more of that. I'm so tired of being shattered into so many pieces.