This thread is the reason I registered. Help me understand myself better by digging deep. Lets find out together what makes me tick.

First of all, let me give you an overview.

According to the WTO:

Sexual Sadism is a derivation of sexual pleasure from the infliction of pain, suffering and/or humiliation upon another person. The pain and suffering of the victim, which may be both physical and psychological, is pivotal to the sexual arousal and pleasure.

The diagnostic criteria according to the DSM-IV-TR

1. Recurrent, intense sexual arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting for the person, have been present for at least 6 months.

2. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant stress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of function.

1 applies to me. Though by now those fantasies have been going on for 9 years running.

2 used to, before I had an outlet within consensual BDSM. I feared myself. I loathed myself. I locked up a part of myself in what I called my internal cellar and fought it tooth and nail. I was not a happy camper. I am currently in a consensual non-consent relationship, a total power exchange relationship. I see myself as having found stability and internal peace now.

And nobody is getting harmed. Well, not on purpose. There was this one incident witih a clothespin zipper that caused some unintentional bloodshed, but I felt really, really bad about that. A lot worse than she did, actually. Accidents happen. We live, we learn.

Characteristics/Predominant Features - Mild Sexual Sadism
Mild sadism, referred to as S&M, bondage & discipline, or dominance & submission is a specialized subculture in the homosexual community and in large cities networks exist for those who have this interest. It is not, however, limited to this group. Sexual sadists of both sexes often seek out masochistic partners. Sexually sadistic behavior in these consensual cases may involve:

- role playing with dominant and submissive roles: master-slave, governess-pupil, ect.
- the dominant partner placing the submissive one in a position of helplessness and then applies some form of discipline or punishment, usually accompanied by verbal degradation
- use of gags and blindfolds to render the submissive partner helpless and immobile
-the administration of pain, humiliation or bondage is effected through such acts as whipping or flagellation, usually applied to the buttocks
- cross-dressing the submissive partner
- treating the submissive like an animal and/or making him/her crawl
- confining the submissive to a cage
- humiliated by being forced to wear a diaper or lick the dominant's boots.
- binding or clamping the breasts/nipples/penis of the submissive
- urinating or defecating on the submissive and forcing ingestion on the victim

What I marked in blue I didn't do. Everything else, been there, done that. I'd love to do the cage one, but good ones are a lot more expensive than you might imagine.

Characteristics/Predominate Features - Major Sexual Sadism
Major sexual sadism, on the other hand, is usually not consensual and involves injury or death to the victim. The element of fear in the victim and complete control of the victim is the major sexual stimuli in major sexual sadism. Some of the more severe activities involved in this behavoir may invlude:

- severe beatings
- torture
- burning, cutting
- stabbing in the breast or buttocks (piquerism)
- rape
- murder
- vampirism
- necrophilia

Where my fantasies do not go is necrophilia and murder. Everything else I have fantasized about at least once. Well, maybe not vampirism. That is a question of definition though. I'm guessing this definition goes further than cutting, then licking the blade. Because that, been there, done that.

What I would consider severe beatings (and thus, torture), I have done. Consensually. Rape within the consensual non-consent is something we talked about. There is a possibility I might go there one day. Having sex with her and making sure she does not want it.

I am careful not to break my toys. I could be emotionally sadistic and use verbal degradation with the little one, but I know that she would get nothing out of that experience, and further than that, that it would harm her.

I think that is why I have reached a stable state. Sexual sadists that slide down further are described as often being narcissistic, with an element of social anxiety. I am certainly not devoid of empathy. I'm so empathic I sometimes consider it a curse. And while I'm far from trying to get into the limelight, I don't consider myself anti-social.

I have, over the years, compartmentalized this aspect of myself, locked it away, and in some ways I still do. I call it my inner beast, and when I feel myself entering that state, I call that "baring my teeth", because that is what it feels like. And sometimes, it's what I do, literally. It is a primal state, predatory. But that predator is shy, and can only come out with those whom he trusts.

I have also stopped seeking the rush of more power and control brings with it. Now it just is. I reached a normalized plateau. But that is ok, because I like the way it is. I was taught that the key to happiness is being content with what you have, and I learned the truth of that in that moment, when I realized there was no further I could go and I had everything already.

What I have learned by myself once I discovered this was an actual "thing" is that there is no cure. There is no treatment. There is no therapy for sexual sadism. It is supposedly degenerative. That means, the beast will get hungrier in time, but I am not concerned. I fought all my internal battles already, and I have my inner beast tamed, thanks to finding complementary partners that were accepting and eager even to receive what I craved to give.

Some other data, for what it's worth.

MBTI: Infj
I had several IQ test done in 5th grade with scores ranging between 158 and 175
And some other test that showed that with a large margin I process information visually, rather than through sound or touch.

There you have it. Now, is anyone interested in digging a little?