I have a few problems in my relationship with my SO. But I guess first I should lay out my personal problems first.

About 3 years ago I really started my self exploration. I am a perfectionist and this used to be a HUGE obstacle for me. I had such high expectations for myself that I wouldn't do anything because my best wasn't good enough. Basically my mentality was this: If I didn't do it (homework, projects, hobbies, housework, etc) then I couldn't be criticized for doing it wrong. Really unhealthy. I found a very good website/program to help with that. I definitely don't procrastinate as often and feel a lot better about myself in that respect.

Onto a separate issue: Because of my family situation I've begun to harbor a lot of ill feelings. Resentment, jealousy, hopelessness. My SO has full custody of his two kids. Their mother is still in the picture, but doesn't really make herself available to the kids often. I think SO expects me to step into that role, and as much as I would like to, it's not just possible. A) They have a mother, even though she isn't very good to them and B) I just don't have that sort of bond with them. This is one of the things that bothers me: he has in the past used my relationship with the kids as justification for US not to have any. So basically because I do not FEEL like a mother to them (even though I do motherly things for them), then I would do the same for my own child. Or, conversely, he thinks that I would stop devoting ANY time to the other two, and play favorites with my own.

SO and I have talked about marriage, especially in the past year. We've been together for 4.5 years and in that time he's healed tremendously from his divorce. He used to be very emotionally distant from me. I think he was just trying to protect himself from being hurt again. In the first year or so he would always leave himself a way out of the relationship. If we had an argument, he'd tell me to "Get out of his house". No longer OUR home, even though I had lived there full time taking care of him, the children, and the home. I realized his reactions to a lot of things BACK THEN were just defense mechanisms and they didn't really hurt me. No matter what, I never left him.

Nowadays, even though we have our problems, he doesn't say things like that anymore and he tells me he loves me.

Unfortunately, now that I "have" him, it makes me feel strange. I mean, I wanted to help him heal and to show him that he IS good enough and lovable. I don't exactly feel like I've "conquered" and now it's time to move on. It's more like I don't want him to depend on me so much, I guess. I don't really know how to explain it. All I can say is I feel like I have to push him away. And to push him away I have to hurt him.

So, it's like this: When we get too close emotionally, I say something completely unwarranted, and usually totally mean. It hurts him (and usually he will react with anger), and he withdraws from me. Then I feel relieved, but that's very fleeting. Next comes shame and that stays for a lot longer.

I really don't get it. We really do have a good thing going, yet I feel like I should sabotage it.

Whew... long post, sorry about that. I think it's kinda all over the place too, but if anyone is confused I will clarify. Really just emotionally exhausted right now though... Thank you for listening.