Dr.Muffin shares something that I feel is vital to this post. It has taken me years to be able to understand what happens with maturity (getting older helps with this I think - hee hee). But my T gave me the insight when I asked him why he was so willing to help me out and go "beyond the call of duty" with me.

He said that his "investment" in me is two-fold. First, it is to help ME heal - to help me find what he feels I was cheated out of in life - to be able to show me what kindness, compassion, and grace looked like.

But the other reason was because he said he could see in me a willingness to give back to others. He said his T saw the same thing in him. He described it as ripples in the pond. He said that his helping me out is going to help out many others because I will pass on the healing energy and time - such as what we all do here on PC.

Those of us here are not as selfish as we sometimes feel we are on the inside (or as others told us we were). We are here trying (often in spite of our own pain) to help our fellow man out and offer support. When we do that, our therapist are here with us. We get a breakthrough in session and the first thing many of us want to do is share on PC. We think things like "Zoo would love this!" or "Jexa was saying the same thing!" That is what happens when the T invests themselves into our healing.

Jazzy, I understand how hard it can be emotionally to accept the kindness in situations this way. There are so many things inside the mind that question the motives of T or question our worthiness to benifit from the kindness of others. I get it because even knowing what I do that I just said above, I still get floored by things like my T today going out of his way in a big way just to see me. So for now, just open your heart and revieve this gift from your T. And it is OK to still feel the urge to not be in therapy, to sometimes hate T, and to go through all the things a person goes through with the T relationship. Just because your T is giving you a break with the money right now does not mean you owe it to T to change your emotions about therapy. Hope that makes sense in some way.

Just realize that T most likely sees a beautiful you that is going to be in this world as a healthy and happy person - and one able to help others. You may not see it at the time, but how can a rose bud still green ever see that they will one day be the envy of the garden? But the gardener knows ;-)