Hi, Chrissy. It sounds to me like you aren't quite sure of yourself in this relationship.

I was a stepdaughter and am a stepmother; I understand what you are saying about his children, I have three stepsons and feel somewhat similarly about my husband's two grandchildren. His ex-wife is in the picture too and I bow out somewhat when "real" grandmother is around.

But the lean on thing reminds me of when my husband got hurt while out exploring with his youngest son, back 23-24 or so years ago and came home and "confessed" to me he had gotten cut badly and showed me a tear in his arm. He kept apologizing but said he wanted me to decide what to do (whether I thought he needed stitches) and that he trusted me and my opinion and didn't know himself.

I was awed that he was asking me (I'm 7 years younger than he is) but because he trusted me, I stepped up and gave it my best shot. See, I trust him and his judgment so, that he was trusting me and my judgment. . . I had to trust me and my judgment

We know so much but don't give ourselves credit for that but I can tell from your post that you sort of know your worth and what you are capable of and yet you're afraid and pushing him away because he's depending on you "too much".

I don't know the exact sorts of situations you are thinking/speaking of. But next time I would try to remind myself, before you say anything, that you can handle yourself and have been helping him all this time. I don't know if you are resisting because you want him to be more in control of his own life or because you now feel he is okay and should always be okay and it scares you when he's not. But I think you have a "distance" control thing going on that you need to explore for yourself. I don't know if you might do better talking to a therapist or something or if you can work on it yourself but sort of sounds/feels to me like you are afraid you will get too close. That, too, could have a little to do with why you don't "commit" to liking/caring about the children for their own sake. It's convenient to say they have a mother and I really do understand that feeling but if you were a teacher, say, you would care about some children more than others, etc. and they would all have mothers. There's something there for you and me I think that has to do with committing to someone when we may not get back the same closeness or think we may get hurt. If I love and know myself well, I should be able to make that commitment for myself and deal with whatever pain comes back.

Did you see "Good Will Hunting"? The scene where the girlfriend tells him she loves him and he rejects her? How do you feel about that? It's sort of like that; if/when you can "deal with" putting yourself in that situation in the moving and feeling it, then you might be able to risk with your boyfriend and/or his children.