|
Oct 22, 2010, 12:35 PM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
|
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtobeme
That morning and since then I have had this sense of great shame, regret, guilty, feelings of being dirty, being a wh... ,
I'm really feeling the need to run to my mom and dad but they are the ones that did a lot of the abuse when I was younger.
|
 Hi, tryingtobeme. What I meant about the shame and guilt belonging to your parents and others who have abused you during your life is that you have done nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Your abusers have made you carry within you the shame and guilt that belongs to them for abusing you.
No, your abusers don't feel the guilt, shame, etc., that they should because, like all abusers do to their victims, they have made you carry emotionally the responsibility for the crimes they have committed against you so that they won't have to accept responsibility for their misconduct. They have convinced you that you deserve to be abused for not fulfilling their unrealistic expectations of you.
Like all abusers do to their victims, your abusers have instilled in you the idea that if you were just a better person then you would fulfill their expectations of you as a wife, mother, daughter, employee, etc., and would be worthy of their love, acceptance, and respect. The problem is that the game is rigged. No matter how hard you try to fulfill their unrealistic expectations of you, you will never be "perfect" enough to "earn" their love, acceptance, and respect because they would then lose their justification for abusing you.
The abuser's goal is always to feel and present themselves to the victim and others as being more superior and worthy to exist than the victim, and always at the victim's expense by demeaing, debasing, shaming, and being hypercritical of the victim, and defaming the victim to others. In this way, the abuser controls and adversely influences how the victim and others perceive the victim's identity and worth, enhances how the victim and others perceive the abuser's identity and worth, and justifies abusing the victim - all to compensate for the abuser's own feelings of inferiority, incompetency, self-doubt, self-hatred, fear, etc. - attributing to and punishing the victim for the abuser's own flaws and failings. I hope this clarifies my meaning for you; if not, please let me know.
Finding a good match for you in a new T can be a daunting and very discouraging task - it can take a lot of time. Perhaps you would benefit more at this point by getting involved in group therapy here on PC and/or in your local community with other abused women who can really relate to your experiences, provide better consolation and support, and help you develop more realistic expectations of yourself. Again, you do NOT deserve to suffer this way. Take good care of you!  lynn09
__________________
"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
|