In a way I find it weird how everything changes when I talk to her at the moment - voice, feelings, the lot. But it is one of my "real" times, talking with her. Even so, tonight I admitted how much I was keeping the lid on while talking. I'm scared to let it all out, because I am not sure I can put the lid back on at the moment. She understood that, and had picked it up.

I also managed to tell her how I felt I couldn't bring out the "others" with her because I was aware that she had felt unable to deal with them, not because of fear but because she felt ignorant of how best to help. But she said it is OK to deal with them, we need to integrate them and she can go to her supervisor if she needs support. So that was a step forward and maybe I can unlock the door a bit.

She is really pleased that I have taken steps with the hospital and said I needed to make a list of what I wanted from them. That will be a job for the next couple of weeks, before the appt. She understood how having my pastor's wife go with me to my next hospital appt made it possible for me to face.

We talked about how I feel I am not using the sessions with her to make progress, and she said that at the moment what I need is to stabilise. We talked about how I felt so unsafe on Friday but she framed it so I could see I did what I needed to to keep myself safe.

She understood how the emotional stuff infringing on my work environment (as in the hospital phoning me at work because that is where I am accessible at times when they work) has made me feel unsafe and made things hard. She had some suggestions there that I may try to follow through, but it will mean I need to be proactive and I am not sure I can too a lot more of that right now.

We talked about how this depression has been going on for so long and my need for something more. I checked out her perspecitve and she said that she feels I have used CBT stuff well and continue to apply it. I needed to hear that reassurance.

Our next session won't be till after the hospital, but I asked if I could phone to catch up between and that is arranged too.

She also pointed out that I am settling for "good enough" rather than perfection. It's true; I am managing to be easier on myself recently.

She used the term "abuse" in talking aobut my childhood. That was hard to hear and face.

I felt like I hadn't used the session effectively, but looking at it like this I can see we covered a lot of ground and that makes me feel better.

Thanks for reading

Caroline