heh, thanks :] though for me, i wont fully understand my past reason unless i write it out and over explain my thoughts. I have a journal I keep, though in it I can never really be bothered to go over my emotions again and I keep it full with random thoughts.. I used to write a lot about the people i was friends with, the guys who I liked, and when something bad would happen to me, i would find myself going back to that diary entry when I was just overflowing with positive feelings, and scribble the page black or tear the pages apart.. so I went to computer to hopefully get out of it, but.. i just would end up deleting everything.

When I'm upset I get very.. I don't know the world, aggressive? Jesse and Rachel would describe me as over-emotional and dramatic but it never really described my episodes. In April when Rachel first went out with Jesse I ripped a christmas card he had sent me to shreds, as well as numerous other things I don't remember.. On the 2nd I just sat there taking off all the tape I had once tried to repair it with, and I thought to burn it.. Thinking back at that time, after I had finished crying and hyperventilating my mind was just so very dark and dead.. it was kind of scary actually, the thoughts that were going through my mind, weren't things I would have normal thought of.

I don't go through many of those episodes anymore. I used to a lot 3 years ago, they were a daily thing and involved screaming and yelling and me destroying things in my bedroom and throwing things at my Dad. I would get them with my brother, and get them with our roommate, with my mother when she lived with us. It's like I have a self destruct button and then it was set off everyday ^^;

This site is kind of the only place safe from those emotions cause I have yet to find any way to delete a post on here.. and I really don't want to be told if there is.