Sorry to post so much recently, just so much is going on and I don't see my T until 2 days from now...feels like a century...I have so much to get off my chest, if only she knew. I'd send this in an email but, I guess this will have to do.

just a vent. hope you all don't mind.

And I hate to say this but, I feel as if my Ex-best guy friend sealed the deal on my confusion....for some reason, after my experience with him...everything got twice as stronger, the need for a girl got stronger...the combination of violation and sex got stronger in my head...and so did the stories...they became stronger in my head... things I had once forgotten stirred back up in the hiding places of my soul...they came out of hiding...I remember being physically abused by a guy...I remember how he used so much force, my face burned because of it and how I thought it was the ultimate declaration of disrespect towards a woman...I was always taught that it was completley unacceptable to hit a woman...so it did scar me. I remember the simplest things, like being teased constantly by a boy in second grade..these small events seem bigger now...I remember one of the first boys I had a crush on in highschool, the way he spoke with me, saying he wanted to be with me and within a week, I caught him at another girls locker, making out with her...he looked directly in my eyes, smiled at me, like he was happy I could see and continued making out with her. IT hit at my worth that he could continue making out knowing I was standing there the whole time; later he denied the whole thing. I remember thanksgiving dinner, watching everyone eat happily, knowing after I got up from the dinner table my cousin would probably have me against a wall somewhere, doing things, whispering things I didn't understand in my ear... eventually, I'd feel trapped, I'd probably cry in a bathroom somewhere, I don't know, it was whatever, anywhere where no one could hear me. These small things feel bigger now. These small things made me feel like the dirt beneath any guys shoe and I am actually tired of it now. I'm filled with anger now. My ex-best guy friend kinda feels like the last guy, the last guy who I want to let walk all over me...The situation just made me feel tired of all of the crap..so sick of it!...it made me feel like I can't be silent anymore, I'm tired of being picked on...It made me want to scream at him, "NO MORE"... "NO MORE VIOLATION" ..."NO MORE PAIN" "I AM NO COWARD AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!" "IN FACT, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY... I HAVE A CHOICE, I CAN CHOOSE WHAT I FEEL AND right now I hope I can choose the path that God would have for me." Lately, I've been going to bed like I deserve all of this though...I just feel worthless about it all, like this is all I am good for, guys either do one of three things to me. 1. violate me. 2. verbally abuse me. 3. physically abuse me. or a good guy or two have come around but, there usually not my type. Actually one of the few guys that was my type, ended with the sudden death of his mom in a freak accident and the surpise that he had a girlfriend 2 weeks later. Currently, I have a huge crush on one of my best friends but, shes a girl. (and I haven't really clarified my sexuality yet, idk what it is, please don't ask about it, as that is not the point of this entire post) And I don't know what to do with myself. We're suppose to hang out soon but, shes the first girl I've ever felt not only physically attracted too but, emotionally...thats why this feels so HUGE to me this time. I can't control my emotions at this point. I'm not use to having both; emotionally and physically. I care too much about her to bring up how I feel more then a friend to her...I don't want to hurt her because shes been abused too and we've both spent time sharing our stories with eachother...I wouldn't want my feelings to upset her...Is it bad that I think we could have a really good relationship with one another? Physically, shes gorgeous too. And I could sit here and think my negative guy experiences caused this a little but, I don't know if that is all of it but, of course these bad situations have encouraged my feelings not discouraged them...the more and more I'm with men, the more and more I've developed a distaste for them, emotionally and physically