Maybe looking at him is a first step to being engaged. If you do it, it is a start, and other steps may become clearer. I have felt this way with other things in therapy--not the looking at my T--but stuff like telling a certain memory or being angry. It is a very real and scary feeling to feel one will die, and one naturally pulls back. I think your T sounds wise and caring. Maybe you can continue to build trust and take small steps. Is it the looking at him that is scary (you seeing him) or is it that he will look see you if you do it? I'm wondering if you could put your hands over your face and look at him subtly through a finger crack? Then you could see him looking right at you, but he would not be able to see you looking at him. It sounds a little silly, but it might be an intermediate step.