[so so sorry, long post]

first of all, i know most responses will be to discuss this with my T. but i don't have one because i am on medicare/disability and it would cost $38 each session as opposed to $8 to see the new pdoc, who is admittedly not as familiar with DID. also, in the state system, to see a T would change my status and just can't afford it. doesn't it all come down to money?

just read a post here about a DES test. had just posted elsewhere that i decided not to take the sanity test because have hit "tilt" in not wanting to know any more about this old brain than i already do (bipolar, alcoholic, anxiety disorder, abuse survivor, yada yada yada, and at last pdoc visit, possible DID, rule out PTSD ). but it was just too tempting so took it. out of 100, score was 60. i was devastated.

why? because i harbored secretly the notion that what's been happening to me lately was really not true DID, but depersonalization/derealization. i felt this way because i do not have missing chunks of time (sarcasm--except my entire childhood--only a few fleeting memories), do not "come to" dressed differently, or have people say "hi" that i don't know, or find things bought that i do not remember buying.

however, and this is what is scaring me, other things i didn't even consider DID have always happened. so here are my questions please. (oh please be patient with me...the learning comes so slow, like part of me understands, then it's passed along thru the brain, etc.)

why would it be DID if....
1) i don't hear a lot of the time what people are saying to me (and not hard of hearing)
2) watching myself as if out of my body, or standing "next to myself"
3) looking in the mirror and not knowing that is "me" (always have done that, finally quit wearing makeup it spooks me so, and keep a perm all the time--critical--so can just comb and go)
4) feeling that others, the world, objects aren't real
5) feeling like my body doesn't belong to me
6) remembering past events so clearly it's like reliving them (good ones too)
7) wondering if things really happened or if i dreamed them
8) being in a familiar place but feeling it is strange or unfamiliar
9) so absorbed in a movie or tv that unaware of events going on around me
10) so involved in a fantasy or daydream it's like it's really happening
11) sometimes able to ignore pain
12) stare off into space and unaware of the time passing
13) act so differently in different situations feels like "two" people
14) able to do certain things with ease that would normally be difficult
15) feel like living in a fog and things/people seem far away or unclear

two or three of these seem obvious, but the others? why, why, why would they be DID???? for instance, i had foot surgery once. right after the surgery i was *standing* brushing my teeth! the doc came in and yelled at me to lie back down and i said: "why, it doesn't hurt". he looked at me very puzzled.

see? i remember these things! it was "just me" standing there wasn't it???

and staring off, causing loss of time, that's just "zoning out" isn't it???

acting differently at different situations...why DID???

and sometimes i do things that amaze me in having the ability, but then it strangely "recedes" into the background. ???

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please, i don't expect answers to all this. just a hint or two of how others feel?? am a little shook right now. well, a lot shook. but when i made the commitment to heal, all this stuff started happening in my brain, the thickness, the flashbacks, and one recent thing i can't even put here that sounds so crazy! i woke up little! but scared to say. oh dear. well, here goes, clicking on "submit".