Going along being busy. Was happy Thursday cause I heard from a dear friend. Yesterday I was busy with something I enjoy. Today was the same . . . until now. Now it's that feeling again . . . that nearly in tears feeling that won't let go. Even when I cry my eyes out. That utter nausea in the pit of your stomach that has nothing to do with food and feels so bad you want to scream. That black fog that fills your head and won't let you think of anything to do or try anything except . . . why bother?

It's the weekend again. Nothing new. Been dealing with this nearly every weekend for 15 years or more. And I hate it. No pill fixes it. Nothing I do makes it lift. When it finally does lift, and I notice something that seemed to help it go, trying it again is useless, cause it won't work next time. Can't sleep unless I just happen to drop off to sleep, because my brain is on auto-awake. I can't explain it any better. No racing thoughts, just . . . sleep? NO.

When I first had these weekends I would run people off talking to them non-stop 24/7 trying to NOT think of it until it left. Really run folks off. One person, when I called, actually told someone there with her to ask her to do something loudly in a few minutes just so she'd have an excuse to hang up from me. And I had someone on a local crisis hotline tell me to go do something and stop calling. That's how bad it got. So I ran out of anyone who would listen, and learned to do my best not to do that any more if anyone came around me.

So I sit on the internet and hunt for answers . . . and don't find any. And scream and cry and beg inside my head for it to stop. Some way, any way, just STOP!