I'm so sorry that someone you should have been able to trust has hurt you so badly.

My T doesn't touch me. I asked her why not quite early on, because I worried it was because she felt uncomfortable with me because I'm gay. She told me she doesn't generally do that anyway, and she felt it would be too confusing for me. This made sense because it took me quite a while to work out that I want her to be my mother rather than my lover. Now that I have worked it out, I do sometimes crave her touch, and quite often have dreams where she holds me. Whenever I bring it up, her reply is always that this is a firm boundary for her. This feels ok in the context of all the other things she does do for me, and I try to appreciate the healing aspects of the dreams as meeting the need for touch.

I do expect this to flare up as an issue again though as my partner is moving to a country that's a 24 hr flight away, and I am already anticipating the loss of touch in my daily life, and suspect that I will put this on the therapeutic relationship.

I have been in therapeutic-like relationships before where touch has become overly important (e.g. I'd spend the whole time together wondering whether I'd get a hug at the end, or how to get to hold their hand again), so I also experience her refusal as freeing in some way- I know it isn't going to happen, so I can use my thoughts and energy on words and receiving her words.

I also try to remember that the reality would actually be very awkward, and nothing like adult-child contact I imagine/dream about, because I'm very tall and she's absolutely tiny!