Again I am in a bad place. I have so many feelings piled up very high and I am ready to break down. I want to cry so much but I can't let myself do it. Right now, I want to go back to everything I know, drink, cut, over eat, take to many pills, shoot myself.....all those bad thoughts are not good but are pressing on me really hard.

Yesterday I almost broke down and my chuch infront of the pastor. Don't get me, my pastor and I are very good friends, no just I am a member of the church. I have become very close with the pastor and his wife. But, lately, I have pushed him so far away. He even said he doesn't know why I won't come to him and let him help me, even if it is just letting me get my feelings out.

I'm not sure what I can or should do anymore. I thought I was doing everything right, then I wake up this morning, hating myself and my body, then my husband calls about bills that are past due...it's just one big mess. I am at a lost for what I should or shouldn't feel. Normally I would call T, but he is gone.

I don't know what I want or need. Everything here I just wrote probably doesn't make any sense. I just want to cry and cry and cry....that will make me look like such a baby though.