I warn you...this is a HUGE rant.

For over a year now, I have been fighting depression and anxiety. For the most part, I have won but it has taken an enormous toll on my marriage. In the beginning, I had a super supportive husband who would do anything to make me feel better but over time, that started to go away and he started to change. I can't really blame him because I wouldn't have wanted to be around me either but the long term effects of what we went through don't just disappear and now we're dealing with the fall out. I know that somewhere deep inside he resents what I've put us through, intentional or otherwise, and I know that I resent him for feeling that way.

So now we find ourselves at a crossroads. Before I got sick, we had an amazing relationship. We've been together for 7 years and we still can read each other's minds. We could spend endless amounts of time together and never get sick of each other. Now we drive each other crazy after a few minutes. We fight all the time. We misinterpret what the other person means or thinks. We think the worst of each other. Our expectations are either too high or nonexistent. We have good moments and they are so wonderful but all they do is make me so sad and mournful for the way it used to be - those good moments were all the time.

Yesterday, things came to a head. We actually discussed a trial separation. Just for a week. I had a complete break down. It was his idea at first, then I came to see that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get some time apart. He doesn't really think I love him - I do!!! I can't imagine my life without hiim. I told him that. I don't really know if he loves me. I know that part of him wants to be alone - he told me so. But then he also told me that he can't imagine being without me either. He told me that his wanting to be alone is a panic reaction when he is upset. He reassured me later that he loves me too. We are not separating - it was a bad idea. It is not the right thing for us to do.

But today, I still can't seem to calm down. I couldn't even go to work. It's been MONTHS since I have been this much of a wreck over anything. He just called and I just hung up the phone. He is a wreck too. He is fairly optimistic, all things considered, and believes that we are going to be able to work through this and put our relationship back together. I want to be able to find some of that optimism but after months of fighting and hurting each other it seems to be getting farther and farther out of my reach.

Week after week I talk through all of this with my pdoc. He has his own theories as to why my husband and I have problems and where they stem from. My pdoc is big on the Oedipal complex and how that factors in to our relationship. I agree, to an extent. My hubby and his mother have a very complicated relationship, which has been problematic at times for our marriage. It has absolutely created challenges for us and is defniitely part of the problem but my pdoc may be putting too much weight on it. But regardless, week after week, I diligently go to my therapy sessions and talk it out. It would be really nice if all that effort ever helped all all...

I just want my marriage back. I want my best friend back. I want my husband back. I miss him. I don't want to divorce. I can't imagine my life without him. I told him that. I don't know how to be without him...not because I can't be independent but because I don't think my heart will work without his. But I don't know how to fix this quite yet.