I'm really feeling depressed and miserable. I feel like i wish i would just get in an accident or get an illness and pass on. I feel like a bad person. I am so appreciative that most of you don't think i'm selfish and are supportive and helpful with your comments. But then someone will say something to me and make me feel like i'm a selfish, hateful person. Like, why can't you think of this child and what she's going through, why can't you understand she wants attention and nurturing, why can't you be there for her. Why can't you compromise and help out your bf because he is trying to be a good uncle, whats wrong with you? Basically that is what one of my friends has told me. Other people have had similar comments. My T understands me but but i feel like even she is wondering why i am not able to embrace this poor child who doesn't have a mother and who has a irresponsible abusive father. Hell, when I look at what i just wrote i wonder whats wrong with me too. I have been feeling like this towards my bf's family since i moved here because they are just so needy and it irritates me. Instead of feeling like embracing them and helping them i get annoyed and want to keep my distance. I have always felt guilty about it but feel helpless to change my feelings. I have even prayed about it, please help me be a different person, and help me to want to help them with whatever problems they are going through. But I still feel the same, annoyed and angry that they are so needy and are always imposing on my relationship with my bf. My friend said i shouldn't take it out on the kids, and what if it were your family that needed help. She is right and i would probably want to help them but i just never had to, ever. I feel like I'm going to be punished for feeling the way i do and being the way i am. I realize that she acts the way she does because of how she was raised and also she does crave attention i think and she is very clingy and that annoys me. I don't like clinginess. After my T. appt. I talked with my friend who basically told me i should be more helpful to her and basically chastised me and then i went grocery shopping and i had a lump in my throat and tears started to come and i just felt like crap and i thought, god why can't you just let me have peace and go be with my mom and grandma and other family who have passed on. I don't want to be here. I can't take care of myself, i'm living off disability and have let depression ruin my life. My relationship with my bf is never going to be good because of his responsibilities that i don't want to take on. I don't feel like i'm going to get my life back on track, its going to be hard to explain the huge gap in my resume when i do try to go back to work, and then what if i can't handle a job. I can't live off of disability alone. I don't have a good relationship with my family and i feel alone. I'd rather be gone than be miserable all the time. I am so anxious and jittery and on edge i feel like i'm going to come out of my own skin. I'm worried i may snap and just lose it and start screaming. I do need to be elsewhere and somewhere peaceful. Going somewhere where its noisy or where i'm going to be expected to talk all the time and/or do things is not going to be helpful. There is nowhere i can go and have peace. And that includes the hospital. I am not going to check into a hospital. I really don't know what is going to happen. I am going to have to tell her that i need to be alone sometimes though whether my bf likes it or not. OMG, she just came in here and told me she's pregnant. I can't even believe this, i have to get off of here and talk to her, will check in later.