Thank you guys so much for your advice. I mean it is nothing i havent heard from friends and family and knowing in my own head but its nice to hear it from someone else. I've never seen a therapist about it...its really hard for me to talk about without getting angry or hysterical or both. I want to see a therapist so bad i'm jjust scared to take that next step and actually go and do it. and as for you sugahorse.... though i am still a terrible mess at many times about the whole situation...i did, by my choice, get myself out of it. and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done and im still dealing with a lot of baggage from it...but there isnt a day that goes by that i regret the decision i made. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me. I've seen it all, trust me and im sure i can relate. It isn't love. It doesnt matter how nice they are the rest of the time...its how they are at their worst that counts. You dont deserve to be hit, noone does