Most of today's session was spent talking about the following letter that I read to him tonight.

***

Dave

Do you remember that day almost 3 years ago when I spoke to you from that little motel room? Quite a bit of it is fuzzy, but I do remember you saying two things to me.

1) I was asking you to make sure that my kids would get some help. You told me the best person to take care of my kids was ME. At the time I remember thinking that ANYBODY would do better than me. When I get really low, I still think about that. My kids still need me, and nobody can replace your Mom. It keeps me going.

2) I remember you saying to me "Tell me where you are" and "Please let me help you." I wouldn't tell you where I was, and I wouldn't let you help me.

I know when we were talking then "tell me where you are" was asking for a physical location, but in the past 2 years how many times have you asked me that same question, maybe phrased a little differently, and talking of course about where I am in my head. And still, more often than not, I refuse to tell you the truth.

And the other "let me help you." You're still trying, even with me resisting or sometimes just refusing your help. Just as I did then.

It scares me Dave. It scares me that after all this time, I still can't trust you 100%. I want to, I really do. I want to more than anything, but there is still something deep inside of me that holds back.

Maybe you already see the "real me" but I want to be able to show you the real me...the inside and the outside. I have to start trusting somewhere. I have to do this. You have passed my tests, over and over and over again. What more will it take for me?

I am really confused and I feel very vulnerable talking about this.

The past, good and bad, made me who I am today and who I am today is who I am going to be tomorrow. The problem is, I don't like who I am today so tomorrow isn't all that exciting, and that's not a good feeling.

So what do I do? Where do I go from here? Please help me figure this out.
***

I was surprised by what he said to me, which was, out of all his clients, I am "on the top of the list" as far as allowing myself to be vulnerable with him. He feels I DO let him in.

We talked about my Dad and how much I need what I felt I didn't get from him growing up and how I still look to fill that with men. And, I did get a little emotional talking about it. All in all, it was a good session. So often I feel overwhelmed walking away from sessions like that, but tonight I walked away feeling pretty decent.