3 months on the 17 without a cut. I almost blew it the other day. I guess will start off with I've been under a lot of stress. Grades, 3 loved ones dying, and then a sleep over.

One of my friends loves having nails, and loves to run them down my arm because my skin shows the marks really well. I let him. I feel so guilty. I only let him for the pain. I basically trick him into doing ti when I want the pain. The other day we were playing around and I started using my nails knowing he would. He started digging into my skin with one nail. It felt soooooo good. It tore skin and just a few more seconds would have probably drawn blood. I don't know how long he maintained his grip. I tranced, you know the feeling you get when your in complete bliss and all of a sudden come to and it's like 'what the heck did I just do'. I have't tranced since the last time I cut. I miss the feeling so badly. It's almost like I cut all over again and am going through the pain of withdrawal.

SO monday I came to school and was dying to cut. I hadn't taken my meds over the weekend and wasn't thinking straight. Was right back into suicidal mode. Luckily I had a friend with me that cuts and knows how bad it would be if I did again. She tried talking me down and yelled at me to stop as I was pounding my fist into my hand, not even realizing it was hurting like heck. Finally I resorted to listening to her speak logic to me and squeezing ice in both hands as hard as I could. Later I calmed down a little but was still on edge. I walked out of class and prayed with someone. I just want to cut so bad. I tried writing poetry, listening to music. No matter how much I try to distract myself my mind always focuses back on it. ARGH