Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
I told her that cutting off all contact at termination felt mean and wrong to me. Why does reaching a state of healing and independence mean it's necessary to cut off all contact? I used the example of a parent with a grown child who leaves home. Do they say "Goodbye, have a nice life. We won't ever talk or see one another again, but remember the nice memories." It's true we aren't our t's children. But for some of us who never had a close relationship with a parent, the t-client relationship is the closest thing we've ever had to it! Why spend all that time trying to build up their trust and form a relationship with the client, only to cut off all contact later, once they have become close and attached? How is that any different from past relationships where they've learned to love somebody who abandoned them?
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Peaches, I don't know if this makes it any better, but schema therapy agrees with you- "In line with the limited reparenting concept, it is important that the bond between patient and therapist remains, even when treatment is formally stopped". The example the authors give is contacting the therapist when important events occur (wedding, birth of child, death of parent), and the therapist responding with a card.
I had only ever experienced the all to nothing terminations you describe, and when I read that, it blew my mind. It gave me the courage to ask my therapist what her policy was, though I did this indirectly by texting her to ask whether her own former therapist knew about the birth of her child. She responded: "Of course she knows. I think it is important for a therapeutic relationship (and one so important in one's life) not to disappear altogether at the end of therapy, can't imagine how it possibly could and how that would be a helpful/therapeutic thing".
Knowing this has totally changed my day to day experience of therapy. I know I can be in some kind of relationship with my T 'forever' and she will know the important things about my life which will happen partly because of her help. I do not have to protect myself from or constantly anticipate the loss of her, because I'm not going to lose her.
From what you wrote, it seems your T is not saying it will be 'nothing' when she retires. I think it's definitely a good sign that she asked how you'd feel about monthly phonecalls. I do understand that it's so very very hard to think and talk about though, especially as the ending will be because of her retirement rather than because you're finished or ready.